[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
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I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.