Got ya covered
You Might Also Like
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Meow?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try