magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
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i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Pretty much. 🤣
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.