[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..