[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
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Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…