Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you