Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
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[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Everything reminds me of my ex
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.