[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
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Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.