driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
The best shot in the history of golf
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.