I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
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boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?