[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
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My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Just a bush.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.