*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
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You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
welp
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what