*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
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Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Carpe DM
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that