My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Become ungovernable.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
checking out some reviews of my local library
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?