Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
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Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I hate my earbuds.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna