And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
But is it really??
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.