Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
This anagram machine is out of order.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry