@zombieparrot: Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
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@squirrel74wkgn: (Age 22) *chugs bottle of water* Let's shoot some more hoops! (Age 42) *chugs bottle of water* I gotta pee.
@PaperWash: [calls work] I'm sorry I can't come into work today "is everything alright?" [getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
@juliussharpe: I don't have a problem with steroids in sports since I think anyone who can give themselves a shot is the bravest person in the world.
@erikbransteen: "Speak softly and carry a big stick." -- Teddy Roosevelt "Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick." -- Donald Trump