@zombieparrot: Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
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@pattymo: Sinbad isn’t just a comedian’s name - it’s also an extremely short summary of The Bible
@rolldiggity: I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it's not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.
@ashmensch: That's me, I'm the coroner, That's me with the sharp knife, Removing all your organs.