Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
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Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
HR said no more nunchucks.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”