wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
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ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.