“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
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Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I did not eat the cake…
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.