{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
You Might Also Like
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”