We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
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Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks