DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
O Wise One….