[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
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assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*