@tazsme: [driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
@ohpeetie: A bug zapper, but for people trying to come into my office.
@Donna_McCoy: You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
@notalogin: My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that's my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
@DaHess1: I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it's negative.
@ZackBornstein: Doctor: I'm sorry, but your Dad's in a coma.
Doctor: He's in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!