@tazsme: [driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
@Mike_Wrong: Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. "Will the defendants please rise"
@OutOfLeftField_: Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that's a myth.
Friend: No it's definitely a butterfly.
@Jenny4ashley: Joke's on you, jerk that sold me oregano instead of weed. I was going to make pizza sauce anyway.
@StinkyGr33n: Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
@omgthatspunny: The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.