@tazsme: [driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
@Bagyants: Her: How do you get girls?
Me: I'm smart and funny.
Her: That works?
Me: No I'm terribly alone, I was just saying.
@aparnapkin: I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
@ericsshadow: It's funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was "too much of a prude" is now a Catholic school teacher.
@djdarrellripley: Me: It's not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don't you get married?
Me: I've never been that hungry.
@sweetg35: In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.