[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
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Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.