[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
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handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Where is your GOD now????
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again