[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
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Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English