I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
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I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.