Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
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Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
who wants to go expliring
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Good Morning.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!