me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
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Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.