[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
How about daylight saves us for once
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham