*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck