Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY