The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
You Might Also Like
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?