@krisv_723: *At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom* Nurse: What's the emergency ma'am? Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

@SamuelHLowe: - I'm your son's teacher and I'm calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar. - And a damn good one. I don't have any sons.

@jergarl: I walked out naked one time and she's like wtf. And I'm like this is how god made me! And she's like no that's how beer and tacos made you.

@eddiesteadyno: Thank you for clarifying that you'd bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

@causticbob: #YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX