@michaelianblack: Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.

@TheNardvark: The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.

@LaziestCanine: Wife: we need to improve our home Me: agreed Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority Me: [crosses out "get more dogs"] obviously

@Reverend_Scott: "Kids are picking on me, Mom" I'll teach you how to fight, son. "Yes!" [Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

@whosalexander: shes shocked about being pregnant? LMAO