[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
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My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.