[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.