Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
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it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp