[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
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my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number