Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?