Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
#SaturdayBears
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.