@tinytittays: Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn't serve booze and the worst singer won't get off the stage.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is 9 crying? me: Because it's raining and he's getting wet wife: But we're at a water park me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
@xlpaws: I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I'm not wearing pants.
@B1gBrainsMcGee: If you watch COPS backwards it's just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
@DurtMcHurtt: [kung fu fight] "Your tiger claw is no match for my crane." *starts lifting heavy building materials*