Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
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Okay me first
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.