TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
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God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.