my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
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Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?