I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning