[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
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My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.