[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
You Might Also Like
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My work here is don’t.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Breaking news:
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”