Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”