Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
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Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
my astrological sign is a french fry
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.